OMG. Did I just say that out loud?
Jesus, Mary, Joseph...Someone PLEASE smack some sense into me.
But on another note I had another dream last night about this place I keep going back to. Each time the dream is different though...its like im in different parts of the same place. So far i have had 4 dreams...the first one and the one last night were the closest, but the one last night is how i found out they were ALL connected. The very first dream I started at this place...it was very gray and washed out like no one had been there...or like it had been sketched but not colored in...I wasnt sure what the place was i just knew it was a hallway (but I would find out in dream 3) any who. I was by myself crossing this really big bridge to get to a place where I could rent a boat or jet ski or something like it to cross the ocean path to get to a private island. I met my aunt there and we both got jetskis. After you rented your item, you had to wait infront of this really large gate that opend up to the most beautiful ocean you have ever seen to ride out on this massive wave...and you are headed into paradise. My aunt and I went riding off and got to our beach house. Everything was cool til this really nasty storm came. And we were racing it back to the gate. we turned in our jet skis had conversation with the guy at the store and then went out seprate ways. I went back over the bridge and she went somewhere else. end Dream 1.
Dream two I started in the same place, but on a dock. I was getting on a cruise ship. It was like a kiddie cruise...kinda like the disney cruise, but i really have been on a disney cruise and this one was way different. The boat was a hard yellow color with red and blue accents. It reminded me of children, but I never saw any. It also reminded me of Disney, but there were no mice or dogs. Just this big purple animal. Definitely not barney...idk anywho...I got on the boat and met my roommate. I had never seen her before in my life, but it was all good. We put our things away and explored the boat...then the boat started taking off. We went on deck to see what was going on and we saw a group of people (a mother and her kids) who were running to catch the boat. we wanted to help them so some kind of way we took over the boat and backed it up and we let them on only to find out they had no where to stay on the boat. so we gave them our room and we got off the boat. we waved good bye said our farewells to each other and went out seperate ways. I was heading back to that big bridge when i woke up. end dream 2
Dream 3 I started in the same place I started in dream one except now it was light and vibrant and full of color and kids. I could see the dock for the boat in dream 2 but i didnt go there. Instead i went into the hallways that mazed around me. each hall way had a variety of doors which held behind them toy shops and restaurants and places where kids could play. Again, it reminded me of disney (when i was cheering and we went for competition we stayed in the wide world of sports hotel and there is a small hallway there where there is an arcade, a store and a restaurant.) this hallway was very similar to that except it extended fully to hold maybe 3 shops and restaruants a couple arcades and other playrooms. every hallway was like this except one. the only difference in that one hallway was that all the stores on the right side of the hall didn't have a back wall. They all opened up to a beach. depending on which store you went into, you came out to different parts of the beach. I went out of the store that was furthest to the right and met my friends there. This time people I actually knew. We sat under a cabana and had drinks and stuff. then this guy I knew came along and said he had something to show me. He was with a group of people that i recognized but didnt know. But I left with them any way and he showed me a secret beach...far enough so you could still see everyone but not be bothered by their kkids. Then we climed this little hill and came to a mini lake. It was big but not too big. standing on top of the hill I looked to my left and could see where i had just been. looking to my right I saw that big bridge from dream one and the end of dream 2. I went down the opposite side of the hill and everyone jumped into the water. I was scared because I couldnt see the bottom. I was afraid something lived there and would get me. Thing is, something did live there. And everyone else knew it except me. I finally got into the water and swam around for a bit with the guy i knew, not realizing everyone else had gotten out of the water. whatever lived in the water had shown up...i saw it out of the corner of my eye and screamed. I blacked out and woke up on the side of the hill nothing was wrong...the creature was...well i dont know what it was, i couldnt see it. I just saw darkness...but it was friendly. like it wanted us there. I remember touching it then i was picked up from above by something...i still dunno what...and i was dropped back at the beach with my friends. It was like I never left. I walked back into a store bought a mermaid doll...idk why but i did. then i went into the hallway and walked back towards the center of the maze of hallways and woke up. end dream 3
Dream 4 was last night. i was with my family. There were specific people there...my Aunt Penny ( who was also in dream one) My cousin amber. My grandfather. My mother. my cousin Matthew. and my son. Yes, in this dream I had a son. He couldnt have been more than 1 y.o. he was the most beautiful baby boy i had ever seen. and as vivid as all these dreams have been this one was the strongest because I love that baby. I was a very proud mother and right now i can feel all the love i had for that baby in my dream....its bringing me to tears...
breathe...
Back to the dream. My family and I were headed to the big bridge again but this time we took another route. we were travelling through tall grass and pretty flowers with butterflies an bees and all of nature around us. (when I tell you this dream felt real, i mean it felt sooo real.) we got to a little foot bridge that we had to cross. and I dont remember how we crossed it...i remember it was small and looked old and we alot of stuff with us. but i gave all my stuff to my mother and i held my baby close to me and i just talked to him and he just smiled at me all the way across the bridge. once we crossed the little foot bridge, i could see the boat shop from dream one...but we were behind it. so we went around front and got ourselves together. I went inside to talk to the man about boats. he remembered me from the first time i came in. I told him i had my family and he offered me a deal on a boat but said we would have to paddle. I liked that idea...soe we got everything together and went to find the boat. I remember being disappointed because it was like 3 planks that two people each could sit on. my mother my baby and I took the middle plank. My cousin amber and my grandfather were to my left and my aunt and cousin matther were to my right. when we took our 'plankset' to the water there was a connecting piece already in the water waiting for us. it was a neat little boat...though very different. we all got on. and for some reason instead of me getting on the boat, i got behind it into the water. i was holding onto the boat with my left had and had my baby in my right arm. We were waiting on the big gate to open and just having fun splashing around in the water. suddenly the gate opened and my baby boy got sooo excited! he knew we were gonna get to ride the wave...and we did. and it was so much fun. towards the end of the wave my baby and I went under water and we were laughing and smiling at each other. the water was so clear and pretty the sun was shining bright everything was okay. then my mother reached into the water and took my baby from me. when i raised my head out of the water everything changed. behind me I could see the water and in front of me was a city. the city was covered in darkness. like something bad had happened. I got on a motorcycle and rode to the property that i recognized where the beach houses were. by this time it was raining. I was trying to talk to the people at the front gate, but they told me I had to wait. My family was there but they hadnt been assigned to a room yet. i got back on the bike and rode around the city trying to figure out what happend. I felt so sad and alone. I wanted my family...my baby. I met this guy who took me back to the resort and showed me his mansion and all these elaborate things, but they didnt matter much to me...i just wanted to find my family. I wanted my baby so bad it hurt. and i woke up.
It was the only dream i wasnt headed back to where I started. It was the only dream where I wasn't happy in the end. It was the dream that made me put all of the previous dreams together. it was the dream that felt the realest...and the one i have the most questions about...and i dont feel like its over. I want to go back to sleep. I want to finish the dream...I want to see my baby again.
My baby reminded me of someone. A guy I know... I dont know why my baby reminded me of him...but it didnt matter, I was just happy to have my baby.
and now im just up in a fuss...
Peace Love n Blessings yall
I hope I figure this one out soon.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
A whole week!
A whole week has passed since I wrote. Goodness. So much has happened. Im gonna leave some of the gory details out, but I gotta recap...well i want to, but i hardly remember yesterday, let alone last week!
Ummm...I worked lots. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Friday when I got off work I got to chill with some supercool folks. Saturday night I went to BWW and met this guy. I have to talk about this for a minute. I was sitting at the bar, Drinking my margarita and eating my fav wings when out of no where dude sits next to me at the bar. Now, there aren't many seats at the bar so...no big, right? Wrong. He's kinda tipsy and decides to strike up convo. First thing he says to me is 'Im not tryna hit on you...im married, but me and my wife only have sex once a month.' Ummmm...what a way to start conversation, sir. Sooooo u sat next to me because you aren't tryna hit on me, but you do wanna have sex with me. Hmm...NEXT! But I was enjoyin my margarita and my wings and I just got off work. I was tired and I didn't wanna move. So I sat and listened to him complain about his newlywed wife and about how he feels like a man can have friends and about how his wife has a new job so now she thinks shes better than him and the list goes on and on and on and I was like dude, my life is NOT that complicated...and he was like its because you arent married. then he back doored with but if i was married to you we wouldnt be havin these problems. Uhh, seriously? you met me 30 minutes ago and you already have me figured out, HA! If you only knew the half! But after I left I determined he was prolly right. Him and his wife have NOTHING in common, but she is the mother of his 3 children so he figured it was time to make it official. Now maybe its just me but thats some Official Bullpoopie. No wonder you are un happy as hell! NEVER marry for that shit! I mean obviously the sex was good, but hell now you aint even gettin that! Chill out bro!
Anywho...that was my Saturday. Sunday was more work and them monday I was off...Thanks Goodness to murgatroids! (remember Snagglepuss...Oldschool cartoons!) But I didnt do anything spectacular. Just chilled. Ran some errands and came home. What DID happen monday night was just depressing. I went to iHop with a friend of mine...I had a less than interesting time...thats another story for another day on a different blog...anywho.
We left ihop and were gonna go hang out somewhere else. I dont really know where that place was, because we didnt make it there....Lemme tell you why. I had to get gas before we went anywhere...and i went inside to pay for the gas...pumped the gas and tried to get into my car...only I couldn't because the doors were locked. No big deal, right. Lol, Wrong. Do you see where this is going? Okay well since you cant read between the lines i LOCKED MY EFFIN KEYS IN MY EFFIN CAR. I do this often so no big I'll call AAA to come pop my lock, no issues, no problems. But if you know AAA, You know that waiting is all apart of the game. So while I was waiting, my friend tells me that there is a park up the street we can go wait at. Im like cool, No big. so We go to the park and we aren't even there 5 minutes...Here come flashing lights. WHAT THE FUCK. Im with a guy I half way like...didnt really wanna go in the first place, but didnt have anything better to do...i locked my keys in the car AND got a ticket for trespassing...you gotta be shittin me. I shoulda kept my ass at home.
Then I worked all effin day today. And im doin the same thing tomorrow. But Im excited about tomorrow because Im goin to BWW to sing kareoke! I Love that spot. Its really like my fav place to be after work and when im not doin shit...and If I'm not workin, I aint doin shit...lol.
ANYWHO...i think I wrote enough for tonight...
I wrote alot.
Promise I'll be back sooner than later..
Really, Promise. LOL.
Peace Love and Blessings!
Ummm...I worked lots. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Friday when I got off work I got to chill with some supercool folks. Saturday night I went to BWW and met this guy. I have to talk about this for a minute. I was sitting at the bar, Drinking my margarita and eating my fav wings when out of no where dude sits next to me at the bar. Now, there aren't many seats at the bar so...no big, right? Wrong. He's kinda tipsy and decides to strike up convo. First thing he says to me is 'Im not tryna hit on you...im married, but me and my wife only have sex once a month.' Ummmm...what a way to start conversation, sir. Sooooo u sat next to me because you aren't tryna hit on me, but you do wanna have sex with me. Hmm...NEXT! But I was enjoyin my margarita and my wings and I just got off work. I was tired and I didn't wanna move. So I sat and listened to him complain about his newlywed wife and about how he feels like a man can have friends and about how his wife has a new job so now she thinks shes better than him and the list goes on and on and on and I was like dude, my life is NOT that complicated...and he was like its because you arent married. then he back doored with but if i was married to you we wouldnt be havin these problems. Uhh, seriously? you met me 30 minutes ago and you already have me figured out, HA! If you only knew the half! But after I left I determined he was prolly right. Him and his wife have NOTHING in common, but she is the mother of his 3 children so he figured it was time to make it official. Now maybe its just me but thats some Official Bullpoopie. No wonder you are un happy as hell! NEVER marry for that shit! I mean obviously the sex was good, but hell now you aint even gettin that! Chill out bro!
Anywho...that was my Saturday. Sunday was more work and them monday I was off...Thanks Goodness to murgatroids! (remember Snagglepuss...Oldschool cartoons!) But I didnt do anything spectacular. Just chilled. Ran some errands and came home. What DID happen monday night was just depressing. I went to iHop with a friend of mine...I had a less than interesting time...thats another story for another day on a different blog...anywho.
We left ihop and were gonna go hang out somewhere else. I dont really know where that place was, because we didnt make it there....Lemme tell you why. I had to get gas before we went anywhere...and i went inside to pay for the gas...pumped the gas and tried to get into my car...only I couldn't because the doors were locked. No big deal, right. Lol, Wrong. Do you see where this is going? Okay well since you cant read between the lines i LOCKED MY EFFIN KEYS IN MY EFFIN CAR. I do this often so no big I'll call AAA to come pop my lock, no issues, no problems. But if you know AAA, You know that waiting is all apart of the game. So while I was waiting, my friend tells me that there is a park up the street we can go wait at. Im like cool, No big. so We go to the park and we aren't even there 5 minutes...Here come flashing lights. WHAT THE FUCK. Im with a guy I half way like...didnt really wanna go in the first place, but didnt have anything better to do...i locked my keys in the car AND got a ticket for trespassing...you gotta be shittin me. I shoulda kept my ass at home.
Then I worked all effin day today. And im doin the same thing tomorrow. But Im excited about tomorrow because Im goin to BWW to sing kareoke! I Love that spot. Its really like my fav place to be after work and when im not doin shit...and If I'm not workin, I aint doin shit...lol.
ANYWHO...i think I wrote enough for tonight...
I wrote alot.
Promise I'll be back sooner than later..
Really, Promise. LOL.
Peace Love and Blessings!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Sounds of my life...
Im Up Early.
I feel rested, so its no big deal.
Im listening to India.Arie.
She's really inspiring.
"A promise is a promise you cant deny...
There's no way..."
I worked a double yesterday. and Im doing the same thing today. I figure, If Im not doing anything else prductive, might as well make some money, right? Its better than sitting at the house all day. I still need to make lists and plan and a whole lotta stuff, but i just dont need it all in my face right now. I think Im using work as an escape. But whatever...better it be work than something I ought not be foolin with.
I met these guys at work saturday night...they were supercool and we were sittin up talkin about all kinds of stuff Since they were my last table of the night. They added me on facebook, and I had to do a double take on one of em because in person he had one demeanor, but on FB, he was like super something else. Like...Not really bad...but if he was to try to strike convo with me online without us having met previously, I wouldnt have given him the time of day! Is that bad on my part? I dont care if it is...im not obligated to anyone...I can do what I want.
Now THAT may have sounded bad, but I have come to the conclusion that People are gonna be who they are no matter what your opinion is of them. And If I can conclude that about others, why cant I conclude that about myself. I mean I used to often say I'm gonna be me regardless what you gotta say or love me or hate me either way wont make or break me...these phrases used to get me going! But the reality is I have no place to judge someone. so if they decide that they only date skinny latin girls, I cant be mad that they dont wanna date me. I have preference too ya know? Or if a guy feels like he has to talk about what he has to get a girl, thats fine. Im not attracted to it, so I'll kindly go my way, but I wont try to change you.
I'll just let it be what it is. Because when people show you who they are,
Believe them...the first time.
Peace Love N Blessings Ya'll
I feel rested, so its no big deal.
Im listening to India.Arie.
She's really inspiring.
"A promise is a promise you cant deny...
There's no way..."
I worked a double yesterday. and Im doing the same thing today. I figure, If Im not doing anything else prductive, might as well make some money, right? Its better than sitting at the house all day. I still need to make lists and plan and a whole lotta stuff, but i just dont need it all in my face right now. I think Im using work as an escape. But whatever...better it be work than something I ought not be foolin with.
I met these guys at work saturday night...they were supercool and we were sittin up talkin about all kinds of stuff Since they were my last table of the night. They added me on facebook, and I had to do a double take on one of em because in person he had one demeanor, but on FB, he was like super something else. Like...Not really bad...but if he was to try to strike convo with me online without us having met previously, I wouldnt have given him the time of day! Is that bad on my part? I dont care if it is...im not obligated to anyone...I can do what I want.
Now THAT may have sounded bad, but I have come to the conclusion that People are gonna be who they are no matter what your opinion is of them. And If I can conclude that about others, why cant I conclude that about myself. I mean I used to often say I'm gonna be me regardless what you gotta say or love me or hate me either way wont make or break me...these phrases used to get me going! But the reality is I have no place to judge someone. so if they decide that they only date skinny latin girls, I cant be mad that they dont wanna date me. I have preference too ya know? Or if a guy feels like he has to talk about what he has to get a girl, thats fine. Im not attracted to it, so I'll kindly go my way, but I wont try to change you.
I'll just let it be what it is. Because when people show you who they are,
Believe them...the first time.
Peace Love N Blessings Ya'll
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance
I keep thinking.
My mind keeps wondering.
It seems I'm lost in the mystery that is me.
There is no defined path here.
No Guide map exists.
Searching my rearview, I see everything clearly.
I have learned many a lesson here.
Still, I must move forward.
But in order to move forward, must I first be still?
For so long, I have tried to Direct my own path.
But in all honesty, I need someone else to take the wheel.
I have tried to let other people direct me.
Only to end in agony.
I trust very few.
And it seems The One I should trust most, I trust the least.
I need to go back to church.
My mind keeps wondering.
It seems I'm lost in the mystery that is me.
There is no defined path here.
No Guide map exists.
Searching my rearview, I see everything clearly.
I have learned many a lesson here.
Still, I must move forward.
But in order to move forward, must I first be still?
For so long, I have tried to Direct my own path.
But in all honesty, I need someone else to take the wheel.
I have tried to let other people direct me.
Only to end in agony.
I trust very few.
And it seems The One I should trust most, I trust the least.
I need to go back to church.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Troubled emotions
I dont always say aloud what I feel in my heart. Keeping it bottled in isnt always the best idea either. What just happened to me is nothing serious, but it made me come to a very serious conclusion. Let me start by telling you what happened...
I am on various Social Networking sites. Im not an ugly girl, so Im used to getting random messages that ask for my number or to get to know me...blah blah, so on and so forth. I usually don't respond because at least 80% of these messages are disrespectful, IMO. Of the ones I do respond to, I usually give a kind "No Thanks" or I say " It's always nice to have new friends", or something along those lines. I was about to type to make a long story short, but I decided this is my blog and if you don't wanna read you can always scroll down...
Loserface :o/
Anywho...If I Get a message that has some depth or intellect to it, I will respond with genuine conversation. At the end we usually exchange Yahoo IM SN's and chat later. No Biggie. My most recent convo wasn't deep or intellectual. It wasn't one I would normally respond to, but for some reason, 9 days ago, I did. It was typical. He asked how my day was and if he could have my number so we could hang out or kick it. I guess I responded because that day his was the only message in my inbox and I was in a good mood. I had to have been in a good mood because I responded jokingly, "Can we have a conversation or two before you just dive in asking for the digits...lol". He responded "sure, Lol".
But we never talked...well not for 9 days anyway. Last night I was browsing and came across his page randomly. So I sent him a message..."what happened? Stay in touch, kay? LOL." He responded, "I got you boo, lets be friends with benefits"
Hold the Phone, Excuse me, what the fuck did you just say to me?
Usually, I wouldn't be offended by something or someone as absent-minded and asinine as this ignorant buffoon. But today, he wet my whistle. Its not like its the FIRST time some bastard has Teed me off online so No big, whatever, I'll Cuss his ass and keep it moving. Then I decided that's not the best way to handle it...then I decided I didnt wanna respond at all. Then I Responded, "While I appreciate you bein straightforward, that not really what im lookin for. I dont do friends with benefits."
The thing that makes me mad about it is the fact that I'm always trying to take someones feelings into account...whether I know them or not. I dont always say what's on my mind because I dont want to hurt peoples feelings. I say Im Real because I exibit real qualities. And Im Honest, but not always straightforward. Its not like Im lying...i considers ppls feelings and I consider the best options to spare mine. But in the end its borderline regret.
So its better to just say whats real.
And Id rather not speak out of emotion. I'd rather think things through before burning bridges. But the reality is my thoughts are raw and at their truest then im angry or hurt or positively joyful...If I have a chance to think about it, I have a chance to sugarcoat the situation. Not to fabricate, but to find ways, like i said, to spare feelings, theirs and mine. there are only two situations in which I truly hold back: If I like someone, and if I dont want to lose someone. In some instances those are one in the same but ofttimes they aren't.
Im not even thinking about this stupid little boy anymore...But his dumb ass made me wonder...
Moving on...
I have had an awesome time in Virginia. I wish I didn't have to leave. Its funny because I was talking to my uncle...I just asked him where he gradated from. Just wondering, ya know? and he told me then he goes, "Why, you wanna move up here and go to school?" I just looked at him. Then I realized everyone was looking at me waiting on me to answer. I wonder if it was that obvious, lol. Then...as we were leaving he said Let me know if you wanna come up here and work. and in my mind im thinking this is great because he is TOTALLY on board with the idea. Then I'm also wondering...Where the hell am I gonna Live. I mean If I just up and moved out here, where would I go? He doesn't have room for me here. My Cousin, whom I adore and Love and who GETS me like none other, I cant live with her. She has her own stuff going on. The only person left is my grandmother. and I dont think It would be so bad if I did...But Im afraid to aske her. She knows I wouldn't mind staying, But she is one of those tough Love grandmothers. and Im better off waiting on her to extend the opportunity for me to stay than I am to ask her if its okay. Otherwise, Im gonna have to ask for some $$ or save it up and be here this summer. the only down side to that is OUT OF STATE TUITION. BUT its different in VA than in TX. I only have to live here 6 months. so If I move NOW I can go to school in the fall. OR I can Move June and Be in school in the spring.
At this point Im serious about school. I wanna do it. I just want to be able to submerge myself like I was before. Im gonna do my fafsa and apply to 4 schools; UofH, UNT, UTA, and VirginiaState, for entrance Spring 2011. Pray for me, kay?
Peace Love 'n' Blessings Ya'll
I am on various Social Networking sites. Im not an ugly girl, so Im used to getting random messages that ask for my number or to get to know me...blah blah, so on and so forth. I usually don't respond because at least 80% of these messages are disrespectful, IMO. Of the ones I do respond to, I usually give a kind "No Thanks" or I say " It's always nice to have new friends", or something along those lines. I was about to type to make a long story short, but I decided this is my blog and if you don't wanna read you can always scroll down...
Loserface :o/
Anywho...If I Get a message that has some depth or intellect to it, I will respond with genuine conversation. At the end we usually exchange Yahoo IM SN's and chat later. No Biggie. My most recent convo wasn't deep or intellectual. It wasn't one I would normally respond to, but for some reason, 9 days ago, I did. It was typical. He asked how my day was and if he could have my number so we could hang out or kick it. I guess I responded because that day his was the only message in my inbox and I was in a good mood. I had to have been in a good mood because I responded jokingly, "Can we have a conversation or two before you just dive in asking for the digits...lol". He responded "sure, Lol".
But we never talked...well not for 9 days anyway. Last night I was browsing and came across his page randomly. So I sent him a message..."what happened? Stay in touch, kay? LOL." He responded, "I got you boo, lets be friends with benefits"
Hold the Phone, Excuse me, what the fuck did you just say to me?
Usually, I wouldn't be offended by something or someone as absent-minded and asinine as this ignorant buffoon. But today, he wet my whistle. Its not like its the FIRST time some bastard has Teed me off online so No big, whatever, I'll Cuss his ass and keep it moving. Then I decided that's not the best way to handle it...then I decided I didnt wanna respond at all. Then I Responded, "While I appreciate you bein straightforward, that not really what im lookin for. I dont do friends with benefits."
The thing that makes me mad about it is the fact that I'm always trying to take someones feelings into account...whether I know them or not. I dont always say what's on my mind because I dont want to hurt peoples feelings. I say Im Real because I exibit real qualities. And Im Honest, but not always straightforward. Its not like Im lying...i considers ppls feelings and I consider the best options to spare mine. But in the end its borderline regret.
So its better to just say whats real.
And Id rather not speak out of emotion. I'd rather think things through before burning bridges. But the reality is my thoughts are raw and at their truest then im angry or hurt or positively joyful...If I have a chance to think about it, I have a chance to sugarcoat the situation. Not to fabricate, but to find ways, like i said, to spare feelings, theirs and mine. there are only two situations in which I truly hold back: If I like someone, and if I dont want to lose someone. In some instances those are one in the same but ofttimes they aren't.
Im not even thinking about this stupid little boy anymore...But his dumb ass made me wonder...
Moving on...
I have had an awesome time in Virginia. I wish I didn't have to leave. Its funny because I was talking to my uncle...I just asked him where he gradated from. Just wondering, ya know? and he told me then he goes, "Why, you wanna move up here and go to school?" I just looked at him. Then I realized everyone was looking at me waiting on me to answer. I wonder if it was that obvious, lol. Then...as we were leaving he said Let me know if you wanna come up here and work. and in my mind im thinking this is great because he is TOTALLY on board with the idea. Then I'm also wondering...Where the hell am I gonna Live. I mean If I just up and moved out here, where would I go? He doesn't have room for me here. My Cousin, whom I adore and Love and who GETS me like none other, I cant live with her. She has her own stuff going on. The only person left is my grandmother. and I dont think It would be so bad if I did...But Im afraid to aske her. She knows I wouldn't mind staying, But she is one of those tough Love grandmothers. and Im better off waiting on her to extend the opportunity for me to stay than I am to ask her if its okay. Otherwise, Im gonna have to ask for some $$ or save it up and be here this summer. the only down side to that is OUT OF STATE TUITION. BUT its different in VA than in TX. I only have to live here 6 months. so If I move NOW I can go to school in the fall. OR I can Move June and Be in school in the spring.
At this point Im serious about school. I wanna do it. I just want to be able to submerge myself like I was before. Im gonna do my fafsa and apply to 4 schools; UofH, UNT, UTA, and VirginiaState, for entrance Spring 2011. Pray for me, kay?
Peace Love 'n' Blessings Ya'll
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
LAWD HELP ME!
I Haven't written in a few days. I said I was gonna do better...UGH...so I gotta do better. But if it helps I have been in Virginia since monday. My flight left at 630am monday morning. 630 am! Dude! I was leaving my house at 4 am to get to the airport. What the Crap?? To make matters worse, I didn't sleep at all the night before *hoping* that I could sleep on the plane. But you know what...
Im SCARED of flying.
I have never admitted it aloud, and technically, Im not saying it, but now the world knows.
We had a 3 hour layover in Atlanta, so I took that opportunity to sleep. It was GREATLY appreciated. I nodded in and out on the plane from ATL to Richmond. I couldnt sleep though...I was too scared. :o/
Anywho, I have been having a great time with my family. My great grandfather (aka Grandaddy) is in the hospital. (yikes!) He has been having some issues for a while, but he has a pretty nasty infection right now. Its clearing up, so no worries. He is 92 years old! 92! and clever as ever. I LOVE playing cards with him. Actually, he is the main person I came up here to see. LAst time I visited, we stayed up extra late playing cards out in the sunroom. Then Ganny (my grandmother) would come and tell us we needed to get on to bed. Now I just go visit him and play in the hospital. I wish I could stay here forever. Help take care of him and be with my grandparents. My grandmother (Ganny) stays prayed up. We prayed together yesterday and...I know she's connected. Thats weird to say, but I know Im blessed because of Her faith. Thats in the bible. I just wanna have faith half as strong as hers so that My grandchildren will be blessed. ;o)
Last night we played the Wii. Ganny beat me twice in bowling. For an old lady, shes got a good arm! lol. Then we all played together (me her my papa and my daddy) and I won!! Yay!she came in second and then papa then daddy.
OMG! I just realized how long this blog is! And I haven't Even started telling you about more personal stuff. Maybe Ill write later.
Or maybe I will just keep going since its on my mind.
Attah-
Let me just be real for a minute. I have known Attah for...going on 3 years now. We talked when we initially met. Nothing serious came of it, but we did develop a friendship. A good one at that. Now we are kind of back at square one. Not that we arent friends or anything like that, but we are talking again. This time, a bit more seriously I think. There is so much potential it scares me. Another thing I haven't said aloud...Now, If you know me, I run from things Im scared of. I couldnt run from a plane ride, it was a necessary evil to get to where I wanted to be. That being said, I dont want to keep running from relationships when they are a necessary evil to get to where I want to be. I like to find the easy way out...talking to my exes and trying to fix things that are broken indefinitely. Its like, There is a reason we broke up...what the hell am I doing? Ya know? Anywho. He is the reason I have put my move on Hold. I have to give him a fair shot ya know...anywho...
WHile Attah has Most of my attention, there are a couple other people trying to get my time and attention. Here is my thing. I have never been the one to talk to more than one person at a time...if I have, things usually went one way or another. Im just sayin, opportunity has to be present from every angle in order for me to find what I'm looking for. So, I wont shut them down completely. I'll be straightforward with everyone. After all, I'm not in a relationship. I do owe anyone that I am involved with honesty, but until I am someone's girlfriend, I'm dating. I'm gonna take my time getting to know people so that when I find what I want, what works, I can enter into it knowing that I took the full opportunity, weighed it against the possibilities and came out with something that will last. After all, it it wont last, what the heck r ya dewin it for? :o)
I think thats all for now. Im gonna post some pics on Facebook and Ill put the link here so you can see 'em.
Peace, Love, And Blessings Ya'll.
Im SCARED of flying.
I have never admitted it aloud, and technically, Im not saying it, but now the world knows.
We had a 3 hour layover in Atlanta, so I took that opportunity to sleep. It was GREATLY appreciated. I nodded in and out on the plane from ATL to Richmond. I couldnt sleep though...I was too scared. :o/
Anywho, I have been having a great time with my family. My great grandfather (aka Grandaddy) is in the hospital. (yikes!) He has been having some issues for a while, but he has a pretty nasty infection right now. Its clearing up, so no worries. He is 92 years old! 92! and clever as ever. I LOVE playing cards with him. Actually, he is the main person I came up here to see. LAst time I visited, we stayed up extra late playing cards out in the sunroom. Then Ganny (my grandmother) would come and tell us we needed to get on to bed. Now I just go visit him and play in the hospital. I wish I could stay here forever. Help take care of him and be with my grandparents. My grandmother (Ganny) stays prayed up. We prayed together yesterday and...I know she's connected. Thats weird to say, but I know Im blessed because of Her faith. Thats in the bible. I just wanna have faith half as strong as hers so that My grandchildren will be blessed. ;o)
Last night we played the Wii. Ganny beat me twice in bowling. For an old lady, shes got a good arm! lol. Then we all played together (me her my papa and my daddy) and I won!! Yay!she came in second and then papa then daddy.
OMG! I just realized how long this blog is! And I haven't Even started telling you about more personal stuff. Maybe Ill write later.
Or maybe I will just keep going since its on my mind.
Attah-
Let me just be real for a minute. I have known Attah for...going on 3 years now. We talked when we initially met. Nothing serious came of it, but we did develop a friendship. A good one at that. Now we are kind of back at square one. Not that we arent friends or anything like that, but we are talking again. This time, a bit more seriously I think. There is so much potential it scares me. Another thing I haven't said aloud...Now, If you know me, I run from things Im scared of. I couldnt run from a plane ride, it was a necessary evil to get to where I wanted to be. That being said, I dont want to keep running from relationships when they are a necessary evil to get to where I want to be. I like to find the easy way out...talking to my exes and trying to fix things that are broken indefinitely. Its like, There is a reason we broke up...what the hell am I doing? Ya know? Anywho. He is the reason I have put my move on Hold. I have to give him a fair shot ya know...anywho...
WHile Attah has Most of my attention, there are a couple other people trying to get my time and attention. Here is my thing. I have never been the one to talk to more than one person at a time...if I have, things usually went one way or another. Im just sayin, opportunity has to be present from every angle in order for me to find what I'm looking for. So, I wont shut them down completely. I'll be straightforward with everyone. After all, I'm not in a relationship. I do owe anyone that I am involved with honesty, but until I am someone's girlfriend, I'm dating. I'm gonna take my time getting to know people so that when I find what I want, what works, I can enter into it knowing that I took the full opportunity, weighed it against the possibilities and came out with something that will last. After all, it it wont last, what the heck r ya dewin it for? :o)
I think thats all for now. Im gonna post some pics on Facebook and Ill put the link here so you can see 'em.
Peace, Love, And Blessings Ya'll.
Friday, January 8, 2010
So, Im not moving...yet
And in all fairness, I have to give him a real shot. I told him I would try. I have to live up to my word. So All plans on hold until June. And depending on what happens between now and then will determine what happens next. Honestly, im cool with that because it give me more tme to plan shit out.
ANywho. Im gettin back in school. Goin to visit the Art institute on the 18th...I gotta get back to my photography. I gotta get back to my music. I gotta get back to me. Lawd help me, please. I been in schol WAYYYY too long...kinda. I just shoulda graduated already you know? Ugh.
I just feel like I dont fit anywhere. As good as that is, it makes it hard. I just wanna feel like I belong somewhere. Or I just need to be somewhere where people accept me for who I am. I mean it's not like im some quackface person who is completely clueless. I lack some sorta self confidence, but thats a process and im not sure it can be taught. It just kinda has to come.
*YYYYAAAAAWWWWNNNNNN*
Im getting sleepy, but there is ALOT on my mind.
I have done 2 video blogs that just will NOT upload for some reason. :(
Im going to bed. I can't focus.
Peace Love n Blessngs ya'll.
ANywho. Im gettin back in school. Goin to visit the Art institute on the 18th...I gotta get back to my photography. I gotta get back to my music. I gotta get back to me. Lawd help me, please. I been in schol WAYYYY too long...kinda. I just shoulda graduated already you know? Ugh.
I just feel like I dont fit anywhere. As good as that is, it makes it hard. I just wanna feel like I belong somewhere. Or I just need to be somewhere where people accept me for who I am. I mean it's not like im some quackface person who is completely clueless. I lack some sorta self confidence, but thats a process and im not sure it can be taught. It just kinda has to come.
*YYYYAAAAAWWWWNNNNNN*
Im getting sleepy, but there is ALOT on my mind.
I have done 2 video blogs that just will NOT upload for some reason. :(
Im going to bed. I can't focus.
Peace Love n Blessngs ya'll.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Reconsideration
I still wanna move. Im gonna move. I need a job.
Where im gonna move...idk.
Im changing my mindset...Cant focus too much on tomorrow.
When there is still time left today.
dont really have much to say today...but ill be back soon. with plenty to discuss. Im sure.
:o)
Toodles
Peace Love and Blessings
Where im gonna move...idk.
Im changing my mindset...Cant focus too much on tomorrow.
When there is still time left today.
dont really have much to say today...but ill be back soon. with plenty to discuss. Im sure.
:o)
Toodles
Peace Love and Blessings
Monday, January 4, 2010
Blah, Edit, SHIT, NVM
"As I sit here contemplating, on the right things to decide...
WIll I take the wrong Direction all my life?
Where will I go? What lies ahead of me??"
-Xscape, 'Who Can I Run To?'
I really like that song. RIght now its pretty much accurate as to how I feel in my life. But I feel like Im making positive moves. A couple more weeks and I will be in Virginia. ^_^ I Love that place. I will get to Rest and Relax and Have breakfast every morning. I can learn to ride that durn motorbike like I wanna AND I can Read til my heart is content! But mostly, Ill get to spend time with my family. Mostly My grandad and poppa. We will play pinoccle until ganny comes and tells us its time for beddybye. I gotta get on a sleep schedule before then though. Or they will wonder whats wrong with me. :0)
Since it came up, Lets talk about my sleep schedule:
IT DOES NOT EXIST.
In case you haven't noticed, I usually post on here after midnight. I dont know what sleep is until at least 5 am and I dont see daylight until 12ish. Sometimes Im up by 1030, but that is a good day. I just know this, I need a schedule back. As much as I hate monotany, I need structure in my life. I need to wake up daily at ___ to go work out at ____ shower and be to work by ____. Then after work I need to be home by ____ to change and get ready for practice by ____. Then I go home, Shower, devotional, blog, and Sleep by ____. Now that this is written out, I gotta find a way to make it work. I dont want a job that requires me to be at work til midnight every night. I would Much rather be at work by 7 if it means I will be off by 3 and free to enjoy the rest of my afternoon. grr. I miss those days. Hopefully, they will return to me!
...as soon as I move to Houston. Yep, I said it. I'm more than ready to make this move and I think that there are PLENTY of people already there that will be willing to help me. I just gotta find a job. I have started looking and a couple friends of mine have an ear open too. but in all honesty, im looking in Dallas too. If I find a job here first that creates a better opportunity, Im gonna take it! Im also considering looking in Virginia when I go out there. What if I never came back? Thats an Idea...Hmm, Ill have to keep that in mind. I can enroll in school out there. New scenery a complete change from what I was doing. I can take my car out there...eventually. OMG. Im kinda excited about this mini plan. Im gonna talk to my uncle...maybe he can get me a job at the federal reserve. Or my grandmother can get me a job with the IRS. i can stay with one of them until I get to know the city. Then I can move...out on my own...on the east coast! YAY!
I think I just made the single most important decision in 2010. My Resolution was to try. and this is something Im going for. 100% ohhhhhhhhh...after I talk to my Grandmother and Uncle and other family out there. We will see. I can't wait.
I think I had some bad stuff I wanted to write about...but i cant...oh yea,
Desmond.
But I cant focus on negative anything right now.
Im too amped up about this virginia trip.
But I gotta keep this a secret...
HAHAHAHAHA. Who Am I kidding. I just told the world my plans to leave.
You think my parentals wont see this?
I hope not. Not until Im ready to tell them.
EEK!
Peace Love and Blessings ya'll.
WIll I take the wrong Direction all my life?
Where will I go? What lies ahead of me??"
-Xscape, 'Who Can I Run To?'
I really like that song. RIght now its pretty much accurate as to how I feel in my life. But I feel like Im making positive moves. A couple more weeks and I will be in Virginia. ^_^ I Love that place. I will get to Rest and Relax and Have breakfast every morning. I can learn to ride that durn motorbike like I wanna AND I can Read til my heart is content! But mostly, Ill get to spend time with my family. Mostly My grandad and poppa. We will play pinoccle until ganny comes and tells us its time for beddybye. I gotta get on a sleep schedule before then though. Or they will wonder whats wrong with me. :0)
Since it came up, Lets talk about my sleep schedule:
IT DOES NOT EXIST.
In case you haven't noticed, I usually post on here after midnight. I dont know what sleep is until at least 5 am and I dont see daylight until 12ish. Sometimes Im up by 1030, but that is a good day. I just know this, I need a schedule back. As much as I hate monotany, I need structure in my life. I need to wake up daily at ___ to go work out at ____ shower and be to work by ____. Then after work I need to be home by ____ to change and get ready for practice by ____. Then I go home, Shower, devotional, blog, and Sleep by ____. Now that this is written out, I gotta find a way to make it work. I dont want a job that requires me to be at work til midnight every night. I would Much rather be at work by 7 if it means I will be off by 3 and free to enjoy the rest of my afternoon. grr. I miss those days. Hopefully, they will return to me!
...as soon as I move to Houston. Yep, I said it. I'm more than ready to make this move and I think that there are PLENTY of people already there that will be willing to help me. I just gotta find a job. I have started looking and a couple friends of mine have an ear open too. but in all honesty, im looking in Dallas too. If I find a job here first that creates a better opportunity, Im gonna take it! Im also considering looking in Virginia when I go out there. What if I never came back? Thats an Idea...Hmm, Ill have to keep that in mind. I can enroll in school out there. New scenery a complete change from what I was doing. I can take my car out there...eventually. OMG. Im kinda excited about this mini plan. Im gonna talk to my uncle...maybe he can get me a job at the federal reserve. Or my grandmother can get me a job with the IRS. i can stay with one of them until I get to know the city. Then I can move...out on my own...on the east coast! YAY!
I think I just made the single most important decision in 2010. My Resolution was to try. and this is something Im going for. 100% ohhhhhhhhh...after I talk to my Grandmother and Uncle and other family out there. We will see. I can't wait.
I think I had some bad stuff I wanted to write about...but i cant...oh yea,
Desmond.
But I cant focus on negative anything right now.
Im too amped up about this virginia trip.
But I gotta keep this a secret...
HAHAHAHAHA. Who Am I kidding. I just told the world my plans to leave.
You think my parentals wont see this?
I hope not. Not until Im ready to tell them.
EEK!
Peace Love and Blessings ya'll.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Year?
Yep, sure okay. Ugh.
I dont think I want to do writing blogs as much as I want to do video blogs. Its easier to say some of the things i wanna say than it is to type them. So, maybe I'll do both. I wish the webcam on my computer worked like its supposed to. But it doesn't. So I have to use my digi cam. :(
So Its day 2 of the new year. My shindig last night was cool. Only a few ppl, but thats what I wanted. We ended up listening to music all night...had conversation. A tad bit of drama, but what can I say...Life is dramatic.
Random Fact: Long Distance Relationships CAN work if both parties involved are Fully Committed.
I didnt take near as many pictures as i wanted, but ill post a couple here later. And maybe a video blog or two...
Kay, Night folks.
Peace Love n Blessings
I dont think I want to do writing blogs as much as I want to do video blogs. Its easier to say some of the things i wanna say than it is to type them. So, maybe I'll do both. I wish the webcam on my computer worked like its supposed to. But it doesn't. So I have to use my digi cam. :(
So Its day 2 of the new year. My shindig last night was cool. Only a few ppl, but thats what I wanted. We ended up listening to music all night...had conversation. A tad bit of drama, but what can I say...Life is dramatic.
Random Fact: Long Distance Relationships CAN work if both parties involved are Fully Committed.
I didnt take near as many pictures as i wanted, but ill post a couple here later. And maybe a video blog or two...
Kay, Night folks.
Peace Love n Blessings
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