Becoming a Butterfly

I've never been a social butterfly, though a butterfly, I've always desired to be. Free. Unashamed. Spirited. And to be quite honest, I used to be a version of those things. But if I've learned nothing else, I've learned that freedom is only as big as the box you put yourself in. My previous "free, unashamed, spirited" self was induced by some sort of vice which often left me in a bathroom hugging the porcelain throne or passed out amongst a throng of equally lifted individuals struggling to find some sense of self by imitating and trying to 'one-up' the others in the room. I'd try to make the analogy of Crabs in a bucket, but none of us wanted up or out. We were content being sprawled on concrete floors barely conscious of our own actions, much less anyone Else's. Yes, My freedom was trapped in a swisher sweet awaiting the release of a lighters flame. My security, a liquid courage, warming my insides from vibrant colored shot glasses. My favorite was the hot pink one.  It reminded me of hearts...which reminded me of love...which reminded me that I was lacking and made it all the easier for me to yell "SHOTS!!"

Oh I was social alright but a butterfly, not hardly. Barely a Caterpillar. Hardly a thought towards anything else. I was content in my self-righteousness. As I think back, the fog thickens and as much of a blur as my life was...well the memories are even cloudier. But I remember the Lights. Lights that watched over me as I buried myself in ashes. Lights that kept me a float when I felt like I was drowning. My angels when I wanted nothing to do with God or heaven or any other promises yet to be broken in a existence that would surely end at my own hands. At my lowest, there were Lights that reminded me it would all be alright. They coached and guided me through my darkest hour, when I couldn't see and didn't trust. When I wanted and wanted and wanted, they gave and gave and gave. And when I finally came to my senses, Those Lights became faces. My dearest friends, my closest family...people that gave their everything to see me win! But I felt like such a loser. Unworthy, ashamed, lost. Because even though they restored my faith in people, I didn't realize it was God who was calling me to Him. But he continued to use them. He continued to call plays and I continued to run, determined to make a touchdown, but a running back cant do it alone. I'm lucky to have a great team.

My friend circle is comprised of a variety of faces, Lights, who have come together in an effort to edify and build one another up. Some of these Lights are new to me, but a few have always been there....sometimes watching from the sidelines. Other times actively playing in the game. With a common goal in mind, its no wonder God has orchestrated this in such a dynamic way.  I'm preparing to step out of my shelter. I'm preparing to spread my wings and experience a TRUE freedom full of His Love and Grace, unashamed of where I was or where I'm going, Spirit-filled and ready to share Jesus with the world...I cant help but praise Him. I cant help but thank Him. And I'm excited for my circle to expand as I come in contact with more and more followers. More people as excited and on fire for Christ. This is my Butterfly moment I've been waiting for, and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Father, use my and my butterfly quirky-ness that all I do may bring you the glory. Use me according to your perfect will.

#LetYourLightSoShine
#LetHimUseYou

I'd like to love you a little more intensely
beyond words written in scripts for the sappiest of chick flicks
No. A simple profession of my love for you wont do
Though its true, I wrote this poem for you - Kind of
See, I need a way to map out how vicious this love is
Lets call this a drawing board
and these words can begin to assemble the monument I'd like to dedicate to our love.
Words configured ever so delicately
Stacked twisted and turned so defiantly
It matters not what anyone else says.
My love for you will still burn true
A light atop the monument for all the word to see
To feel
A tantalizing thought to evoke every emotion
To tempt all 5 senses and question a sixth
A love beyond loves
Beyond destiny,
Eternity, 
And anything the else the universe could possibly offer.
So will you let me?
Or is the audacity of this possibility out of your grasp?
How long can you last staring into the deep seas of my eyes
Diving in the tumultous waters of my loves eruption
Can you handle my intensity?
Cause I never felt this way about love and
Never been brought to tears missing you so much

A Dreamers Desire to be Real.

So I've made it to the end of august...Surprise surprise...

A million and one thoughts are clouding my mind right now. or maybe just a few thoughts which provoke a million possibilities. My fingers cant type as fast as im thinking. but oh how I wish they could. For the last week I have allowed this man to cloud up my life. And as much as I like him. As much as I would like to allow him to take all my time, its not realistic. This is the problem with me. I consider myself a realist where most people call themselves optimistic or pessimistic. and when it comes to other people or externalized situations...im able to see right through any bullshit and just let life live. But when it comes to me. When it comes to anything personal, i internalize it...which is okay sometimes. But it means that the bad things that happen hurt really bad...and the good things that happen send my full force into lala land. I cant live my life in lala land. Im a proud dreamer. A lively free spirit. A wanderer...hippie-esque in my lack of conformity and desire to 'just be happy'. Life could end tomorrow. People always say take advantage of your today, but I guess no one really ever means it. Societys view of take advantage of your today means go to work. Make some money. Pay your bills on time. Well I dont want to. I mean I do want to take care of my business. I do want to be stable. But sometimes I just want to breathe and smell the roses. I wasnt meant for this life and Im fully aware of it. There is something Better for me out there. I just wish I would find it already. Or that it would find me. Hello....Im ready for you! It doesnt make sense for me to be this smart, though a dreamer I may be, and have no real...path. Im all for creating one, but I need to be creating it in real life...and not just in my dreams.

Lordy let me find a job before I drive myself insane inside these walls.

Some things are way more important than others.

Like time with your sister!

We got to hang out yesterday. We did a lil shopping. Some reading. and definitely some eating. I love my little sister to the death of me and I always want to be around her or have her around me. She definitely inspires me to be a better me. yay for little sisters.

We had a couple convos that im not sure I was ready to have. Some because I dont want to give the wrong advice considering im not in the best position to give it...just my opinion. and I dont want to impress my opinion on her formidable mind...I want her to make her own choices. Form her own opinions. And love or hate whomever she chooses. The other questions I couldnt answer because I just dont know the answer at all. Questions like, "How do you know when you have found that one?" Umm...In case you didnt realize I'm single. Been that way for about 5 years. I dont have a clue what that feels like or how you 'just know' but in the end I guess you do. besides making a conscious decision to be with one person for the rest of your life...which i think is where my fear comes into play...whatever.

anywho I just had to get some stuff off my mind. Got a new tattoo last night. As much as I hate flowers, I really wanted this tattoo...its going to start the vine I want going down my back and around my arm. and here it is...tattoo number 5.

Its. So. Damn. Superficial. Or maybe Im just Hating.

She thinks its too much...He thinks its just right....He is a good guy and she is overlooking him. He says she is perfect, all she sees are his flaws. But she likes him anyway. She digs his presence. All he needs is a thought of her. She needs his money, his fancy things. His 'swag'.

Ugh. I find myself disgusted, but whatever. I get it. And if they like it...if it works for them, fine. But its just So. Damn. Superficial.

Maybe Im just a hater...Maybe Im looking at it the wrong way. Maybe I want what she has...Maybe because he really cares about her and she doesnt see it...nor does she want it. but enough. Enough about her...this isnt about her. Or him. this is about me.

and Im really happy right now. Aside from my disdain about superficial relationships...im in a good place. Ive started writing again which is always really helpful. I may not write it all here...or on twitter (@rkmiw0rld) or facebook (BeeJay) or tumbler (rkmiw0rld.tumblr.com) or just google me Rkmiw0rld.

I think i just did a mini shout out to myself.

I cant stick to SHIT

Apparently, I wasnt made for this commitment shit. I havent committed to clogging, I havent committed to working out. God forbid I ever meet the man of my dreams...Ill be single forever! The only think I have pretty much kept in line is the fact that I am eating right. And its making a difference. but antway...

I think that @thehomiesantini is so dope. I know you dont know who that is, but look her up on twitter...then youtube. Read listen and learn about her love story. She has got to feel like the most amazing woman in the world. I remember what real love feels like. and it makes me happy to see that people do find it, still, everyday. I want my love to come back to me...but hell I doubt ill be ready for it if It does.

let me take this shower...i have plenty to say but dont really know how to say it.

Sticking to the plan

Yes, there is systematic order to what im doing. Not to develop some blah day in day out routine...im too spontaneous to really do that. But Waking up at 830 and working out for an hour isnt too much to ask for i dont think. 30 mins cardio 30 mins yoga and im all set for the day.

My plan is to work out then hit the computer...this lil thingy here and blog my heart out. After some relaxing yoga I figure my head will be clear enough that I can approach any problem gracefully...no matter the emotion that it brings forth. So another 30 mins of blogging and by 10 im hitting the showers and getting ready for work. This is where the tricky part comes in.

I want to find a new job.

Clearly i need to have a steady income but i also want a job that I enjoy. Im so close to being done with what I do now. I like the order that my job brings to my life, but I don't at all like being Bank of Americas Bitch. Thats how I really feel about it...blah.

So anywho with luck and sheer will and determination I can stick to this plan.

*dear Baby Jesus, PLEASE, Keep me sane*