Becoming a Butterfly

I've never been a social butterfly, though a butterfly, I've always desired to be. Free. Unashamed. Spirited. And to be quite honest, I used to be a version of those things. But if I've learned nothing else, I've learned that freedom is only as big as the box you put yourself in. My previous "free, unashamed, spirited" self was induced by some sort of vice which often left me in a bathroom hugging the porcelain throne or passed out amongst a throng of equally lifted individuals struggling to find some sense of self by imitating and trying to 'one-up' the others in the room. I'd try to make the analogy of Crabs in a bucket, but none of us wanted up or out. We were content being sprawled on concrete floors barely conscious of our own actions, much less anyone Else's. Yes, My freedom was trapped in a swisher sweet awaiting the release of a lighters flame. My security, a liquid courage, warming my insides from vibrant colored shot glasses. My favorite was the hot pink one.  It reminded me of hearts...which reminded me of love...which reminded me that I was lacking and made it all the easier for me to yell "SHOTS!!"

Oh I was social alright but a butterfly, not hardly. Barely a Caterpillar. Hardly a thought towards anything else. I was content in my self-righteousness. As I think back, the fog thickens and as much of a blur as my life was...well the memories are even cloudier. But I remember the Lights. Lights that watched over me as I buried myself in ashes. Lights that kept me a float when I felt like I was drowning. My angels when I wanted nothing to do with God or heaven or any other promises yet to be broken in a existence that would surely end at my own hands. At my lowest, there were Lights that reminded me it would all be alright. They coached and guided me through my darkest hour, when I couldn't see and didn't trust. When I wanted and wanted and wanted, they gave and gave and gave. And when I finally came to my senses, Those Lights became faces. My dearest friends, my closest family...people that gave their everything to see me win! But I felt like such a loser. Unworthy, ashamed, lost. Because even though they restored my faith in people, I didn't realize it was God who was calling me to Him. But he continued to use them. He continued to call plays and I continued to run, determined to make a touchdown, but a running back cant do it alone. I'm lucky to have a great team.

My friend circle is comprised of a variety of faces, Lights, who have come together in an effort to edify and build one another up. Some of these Lights are new to me, but a few have always been there....sometimes watching from the sidelines. Other times actively playing in the game. With a common goal in mind, its no wonder God has orchestrated this in such a dynamic way.  I'm preparing to step out of my shelter. I'm preparing to spread my wings and experience a TRUE freedom full of His Love and Grace, unashamed of where I was or where I'm going, Spirit-filled and ready to share Jesus with the world...I cant help but praise Him. I cant help but thank Him. And I'm excited for my circle to expand as I come in contact with more and more followers. More people as excited and on fire for Christ. This is my Butterfly moment I've been waiting for, and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Father, use my and my butterfly quirky-ness that all I do may bring you the glory. Use me according to your perfect will.

#LetYourLightSoShine
#LetHimUseYou