A Dreamers Desire to be Real.

So I've made it to the end of august...Surprise surprise...

A million and one thoughts are clouding my mind right now. or maybe just a few thoughts which provoke a million possibilities. My fingers cant type as fast as im thinking. but oh how I wish they could. For the last week I have allowed this man to cloud up my life. And as much as I like him. As much as I would like to allow him to take all my time, its not realistic. This is the problem with me. I consider myself a realist where most people call themselves optimistic or pessimistic. and when it comes to other people or externalized situations...im able to see right through any bullshit and just let life live. But when it comes to me. When it comes to anything personal, i internalize it...which is okay sometimes. But it means that the bad things that happen hurt really bad...and the good things that happen send my full force into lala land. I cant live my life in lala land. Im a proud dreamer. A lively free spirit. A wanderer...hippie-esque in my lack of conformity and desire to 'just be happy'. Life could end tomorrow. People always say take advantage of your today, but I guess no one really ever means it. Societys view of take advantage of your today means go to work. Make some money. Pay your bills on time. Well I dont want to. I mean I do want to take care of my business. I do want to be stable. But sometimes I just want to breathe and smell the roses. I wasnt meant for this life and Im fully aware of it. There is something Better for me out there. I just wish I would find it already. Or that it would find me. Hello....Im ready for you! It doesnt make sense for me to be this smart, though a dreamer I may be, and have no real...path. Im all for creating one, but I need to be creating it in real life...and not just in my dreams.

Lordy let me find a job before I drive myself insane inside these walls.

Some things are way more important than others.

Like time with your sister!

We got to hang out yesterday. We did a lil shopping. Some reading. and definitely some eating. I love my little sister to the death of me and I always want to be around her or have her around me. She definitely inspires me to be a better me. yay for little sisters.

We had a couple convos that im not sure I was ready to have. Some because I dont want to give the wrong advice considering im not in the best position to give it...just my opinion. and I dont want to impress my opinion on her formidable mind...I want her to make her own choices. Form her own opinions. And love or hate whomever she chooses. The other questions I couldnt answer because I just dont know the answer at all. Questions like, "How do you know when you have found that one?" Umm...In case you didnt realize I'm single. Been that way for about 5 years. I dont have a clue what that feels like or how you 'just know' but in the end I guess you do. besides making a conscious decision to be with one person for the rest of your life...which i think is where my fear comes into play...whatever.

anywho I just had to get some stuff off my mind. Got a new tattoo last night. As much as I hate flowers, I really wanted this tattoo...its going to start the vine I want going down my back and around my arm. and here it is...tattoo number 5.

Its. So. Damn. Superficial. Or maybe Im just Hating.

She thinks its too much...He thinks its just right....He is a good guy and she is overlooking him. He says she is perfect, all she sees are his flaws. But she likes him anyway. She digs his presence. All he needs is a thought of her. She needs his money, his fancy things. His 'swag'.

Ugh. I find myself disgusted, but whatever. I get it. And if they like it...if it works for them, fine. But its just So. Damn. Superficial.

Maybe Im just a hater...Maybe Im looking at it the wrong way. Maybe I want what she has...Maybe because he really cares about her and she doesnt see it...nor does she want it. but enough. Enough about her...this isnt about her. Or him. this is about me.

and Im really happy right now. Aside from my disdain about superficial relationships...im in a good place. Ive started writing again which is always really helpful. I may not write it all here...or on twitter (@rkmiw0rld) or facebook (BeeJay) or tumbler (rkmiw0rld.tumblr.com) or just google me Rkmiw0rld.

I think i just did a mini shout out to myself.

I cant stick to SHIT

Apparently, I wasnt made for this commitment shit. I havent committed to clogging, I havent committed to working out. God forbid I ever meet the man of my dreams...Ill be single forever! The only think I have pretty much kept in line is the fact that I am eating right. And its making a difference. but antway...

I think that @thehomiesantini is so dope. I know you dont know who that is, but look her up on twitter...then youtube. Read listen and learn about her love story. She has got to feel like the most amazing woman in the world. I remember what real love feels like. and it makes me happy to see that people do find it, still, everyday. I want my love to come back to me...but hell I doubt ill be ready for it if It does.

let me take this shower...i have plenty to say but dont really know how to say it.

Sticking to the plan

Yes, there is systematic order to what im doing. Not to develop some blah day in day out routine...im too spontaneous to really do that. But Waking up at 830 and working out for an hour isnt too much to ask for i dont think. 30 mins cardio 30 mins yoga and im all set for the day.

My plan is to work out then hit the computer...this lil thingy here and blog my heart out. After some relaxing yoga I figure my head will be clear enough that I can approach any problem gracefully...no matter the emotion that it brings forth. So another 30 mins of blogging and by 10 im hitting the showers and getting ready for work. This is where the tricky part comes in.

I want to find a new job.

Clearly i need to have a steady income but i also want a job that I enjoy. Im so close to being done with what I do now. I like the order that my job brings to my life, but I don't at all like being Bank of Americas Bitch. Thats how I really feel about it...blah.

So anywho with luck and sheer will and determination I can stick to this plan.

*dear Baby Jesus, PLEASE, Keep me sane*

After a year n a bit...

So much has changed..

I was going to go back and delete all my previous blog posts, but I just cant do it. Feels like I'm erasing part of me. So I shall keep it. And if u so choose you can go back and read it. Or not.

So, yea. Im in a very different place today that I was the last time I blogged. Im not sure exactly where that is, but im okay with that because im on my journey. Im living. Im making it. And while most people could make a list of everything I should be doing, again, im content with this part of my journey. Im not slumming it. actually, Ive reached a turning point. Made some sacrifices, learned a thing or two about myself and im actually excited about what happens next. im definitely working on being more assertive and really going after what I want. Ive been pretty passive and even complacent a piece. But no more.

Really.

No More.

On to bigger and better things. and dont worry Ill keep you posted...
;o)