HA HA. I haven't been on in a while.
However, I had some pretty interesting thoughts and I need to put them on paper.
Or website.
Whatever.
So I was thinking today about the current man in my life and trying to determine what it is about him that makes me so...happy. I noticed his flaws...I complain about them even. Yet at the end of the day, my attraction stands. Why? As I wondered, I began to think about my past relationships and the types of guys That I have been with. What have I learned from them? Specifically, what is it about my current situation that differs or is similar to my past in so much that I feel we have potential to be great?
Now don't get me wrong, My comparison to the past isn't a 'does he measure up?' thing, it is a 'am I making another mistake?' thing. In trying to determine what I have learned, I realized what I needed. If y'all don't mind, I'm gonna go through my thought process about each dude...if u don't wanna read that then just skip to the bottom and read my concluding thought.
I have had 4 Serious boyfriends and 1 substantial....interaction ( I really don't know how to phrase that because he wasn't my boyfriend but his impact was...well critical). This dates back to 7th grade. Now I know what you are thinking..."7th Grade? That doesn't count!" But understand this, he was my first love. We were together for 3 years and whether I like it or not, he impacted my life significantly.
So I guess that leads me to Dude #1...
Marquel W, the first love.
To be honest, because it was so long ago, I don't remember alot of details, just the highs and the lows of our relationship. I remember he cheated...3 times. I took him back 3 times. we were together for 3 years. We had alot of firsts. Had he not been my first boyfriend/first love, I don't think I would remember him at all. The main Lesson I learned here, If he cheats, He's History. No way will I go through what I went through with him again. Also, no matter the reason we broke up, remember that there was one. The reason you leave once will most likely be the reason you leave again...Then there was dude #2
Nekia J, the one who gave me everything.
Aka: The Sweetheart
Nekia was mine. I mean, he was a kind hearted, sweet, loving, ill give you anything type of dude. And he chose me to be the one to receive it all. Imagine that...I, Brittney J Got the whole world delivered to me in the 11th grade. I Stayed weekends with him. He helped me perfect my jumpshot. We talked, danced, made people jealous, and spent almost evry waking minute together. We cried together, fell in love under the stars...it was really like a fairytale. Had I met him 5 years later than I did, We probably would have made it. But I wasn't ready for what he was prepared to give me. My Dad did NOT approve of our relationship, AT ALL. Toward the end of our relationship I had to move in with my father. We snuck to see each other. but it got old fast. He accused me of cheating and broke up with me. He is the ONLY guy that has ever broken up with me. I wasn't cheating. But I was tired. From Him I learned more about what I liked: Quality time, thoughtfulness, accountability. The one thing that I learned to hate is the ability to run someone. Anything I asked he did. Any thing I said he followed. He was like a little lost puppet...and I was the puppet master. I need a man to be a man, wear the pants, Give direction, and say yes alot, but not all the time.
Then there was dude #3.
Dawrence (Kirk) J, He gave me what I wanted, Not what I needed
Aka: The Naughty Boy, Mr. Popularity
Sam Houston State University. Life on campus is crazy enough. Kirk taught me alot. He opened my eyes to a side of life I was very intrigued by already. My experiences with him taught me about power in a relationship, to say the least. But what he taught me, wasn't anything I needed to be taught. I could have figured these things out on my own. He didn't give me anything I needed for growth or survival, but he tried to give me material things...things I didn't want or need. He spoiled me in many ways. And its not that I was a nobody or that he was hot shit, but before i started dating him, I wasn't known on campus. After dating him...it seemed everyone knew who I was. If you know me you know I HATE that kind of attention. But I got used to it. I liked being able to hold conversations with ppl everywhere I went. He introduced me to popularity. But as soon as our relationship went sour, I faced its downside. Now I'm not saying Kirk is the only reason people knew who I was, but he was the reason many recognized my face...he was selfish too. But I had a selfish side, so I learned how to deal. I Learned from him that My business, your business and our business are three very different things. I Learned the value of privacy in a relationship. I learned that I can't be bought. I Learned that I like em aggressive...but not pushy. I learned a WHOLE LOT about my sexual identity. Not from a standpoint of being freaky, but just what I like what I don't, what I'll try, what I wont, Etc. My relationship with Kirk taught me about me and how I like to be handled. My first College BF...I wont forget him.
Right after Kirk...On to the next one...#4
Dedrick D., He gave me what I needed, not what I wanted
Aka, The one that got away.
If I wrote about Dedrick, It would take years. He was the REAL good guy that girls get but don't realize until they are gone...Kind of. His only major flaw was that he was TOO MUCH LIKE MY DADDY. He had lots of other flaws, but they were minute compared to the man that he was/is. Any girl that gets the opportunity to be with him is a lucky girl, really. I learned to appreciate the little things with Dedrick.
How he held my hand, how he held me. He was witty, not just comical. We had conversation that would have blown you out of the water. Literally. He believed in me. He believed I could do anything. He taught me to believe in second chances and the power of change. I fell in love with him before he even became my boyfriend. and that's crazy!! Dedrick Set the bar. But for a while he became what I made most guys measure up to...Then I had to learn that he may have been the bestest, but I cant compare dudes to him, I just have to find the qualities that I appreciated most in Dedrick, elsewhere. Dedrick helped me grow up. He definitely gave me what I needed.
Then there was this guy....
Tyrone S., He gave me Nothing
Aka: The Tease, The Ex-Baby Daddy
Now when I talk about potential...this guy is it. In a nutshell. Had everything going for him. Held my hand the right way comforted me in any way possible. Was there for me mentally, physically, rationally, undeniably...everything...but he wasn't ready to give up being a bachelor. And that was really confusing because there was a LONG time period where we were mutually exclusive...but going into that part could be draining...instead, What I learned: Use a condom, every time. I'm not trying to be funny...I didn't get any STD's or anything nasty like that I just got pregnant. I had a miscarriage.
This whole process put my life on hold for about a year and a half. I tried to move on, but I really gave up on that idea for a long time. I was miserable. Then it took some time to put myself back together and that was a slow process as well. I can say now that I am affected by it, but not controlled. I have done well which is why its time for me to be with someone who is right for me. I have been uninvolved with anyone since summer 2008. Almost 2 years... I have dated guys but they usually only last for a couple weeks. A month at best. I have learned more with each experience. I have grown up. Changed. Evolved. I'm better because of it.
So After all that...what conclusion did i come to?
I need Balance in my life. I don't need everything I found that I liked, but I do need a combination of some aforementioned qualities. I have had the Guy that gave me nothing, The guy that gave me everything, the guy that gave me everything i wanted and nothing i needed, and the guy that gave me nothing I wanted and everything I needed...all that plus my first love. Combine all that and what I get has got to be as close to perfection as it gets...
Now, When considering all this, in conjunction with my current situation, to try and figure out why the hell this guy is the one that got my attention...trying to figure out how he lasted beyond 2 weeks...I still don't really know...ha! But, the thing that excites me about the new guy is that he is different from all of the above. I mean we are still learning each other...but what I have learned so far, i like. So Far, he exhibits some qualities of a few guys up there. That's why I'm so intrigued...so anxious to see where it goes. But I guess only time Will Tell.
And as soon as I find out...I'll let you know. :D :/ :?
Peace Love N Blessings!
I got work in the morning, Jeez Louise!
